Oh The Things That You’ll Learn

There are many things that I have learnt over the last two years, a lot of which I don’t feel I could confidently devote an entire blog to. So instead I’ve decided to compile these moments together and post them in one handy hit. Here are the things that I have learnt (so far).

  1. There is always a bigger tantrum. Thought that you child was already going through the “Terrible Twos” even before they turned two? Nope. No they weren’t.
  2. You will always have an overwhelming sense of frustration and guilt. This is your life now. Deal with it.
  3. You child will do amazing and wondrous things. But only in front of you. They will never repeat in company, therefore making you look like an idiot. They are not a performing monkey, and they know it.
  4. They’re confusing. They want to go outside, but when they’re out the want to immediately go back in. They refuse to have a bath, but by the time you finally get them in there like a twitching cat, they scream the house down when it’s finally time to pull the plug.
  5. Someone else’s food will always be more appealing. Even if they have the exact same meal cooked in the exact same dish in front of them. They will always want yours.
  6. There’s nothing wrong with using the TV as a babysitter for a couple of hours. As long as the shows are somewhat educational and interactive, and aren’t just rubbish. And of course I mean while you’re at home. Don’t use it to literally babysit your child while you go out to dinner. That tends to be frowned upon.
  7. Even if your child hasn’t been anywhere near sand during the day, you will always inevitably find it somewhere in your house by the end of the day.
  8. Speaking of sand, if you ever get the smallest amount in your bathtub, you child will claim it’s “in their bottom” for weeks after you’re sure you scrubbed the last grain out.
  9. Selective hearing is a thing. To the point where you will be convinced that they are having silent seizures. But will automatically have their hearing back the second you open a new biscuit packet. They could have been in the next state and will still come running full steam if they think there’s a biscuit at the end of it.
  10. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You might be feeling on top of the world, the most confident of your life, thinking how fantastic you look, and you’ll still make it all the way to the shops before you realise you have dried egg yolk in your hair.
  11. There will always be a bigger poo.
  12. You children are both a sponge and a parrot at the same time. Absorbing everything in, and spewing it all back out again. Usually in the most inappropriate circumstances. Teaching them the proper names for their genitalia for example will always end in them screaming SCROTUM in the most delicate of circumstances, such as at the hair dressers or a quiet moment in church.
  13. If they’ve worked out what the rubbish bin is for and how to use it, ALWAYS check it before emptying it. From toys to priceless family heirlooms, things will mysteriously disappear until you’ve worked out it was your toddler being “helpful”.
  14. Communication with your partner and any other adults that come into contact with your child is super important. Especially if you want to avoid the endless tantrum and confusion if you can’t work out what “the dinosaur one” means when looking up videos on Youtube.
  15. You can bring as many of their favourite toys or books to any place you need to take them too (a café, the doctor’s surgery, etc), and they will still want to completely disrupt everyone and everything around them. They won’t want to sit, or eat, or play with the toys already provided. They will probably run down halls they’re not supposed to, or eat off strangers’ meals. That’s just what they do. Accept there is no stopping them.
  16. Be prepared to give into everything. Especially when it comes to that face. Look at the that little face!


*Ok, not actually a picture of my son, but pretty similar in cuteness. You get what I mean.


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