Some of you might have seen this little gem from The Oatmeal regarding how cats are apparently amazing and babies are all spawn of the devil.
And even though I did laugh myself silly with how true some of these points are, I’m actually more inclined to believe that cats and babies (and toddlers) are in fact exactly the same. Allow me to convince you with the following points.
1. People usually react to new born babies and kittens the exact same way. Cooing ridiculously, making over the top baby noises, replacing all consonants with Ws when they speak, smooshing the baby/kitten to their face, and just being generally gah gah for them. Not to mention the uncontrollable crying because of cuteness overload…or is that last one just me?
2. They are easily amused. Usually by shiny lights playing on the walls. Who doesn’t love watching their cat attempt to climb up the wall to catch that red light? My son once fell over backwards from a sitting position because he was so intent on watching the light from my torch climb up the wall and onto the ceiling. I laughed a bit too hard at him for a mother who should care about her child.
3. The packaging is always better. It doesn’t matter if it’s the shiniest, most expensive toy that you bought from the pet store/toy store, your cat or child will much rather play with the wrapping or the box in came in instead.
4. Speaking of boxes, the old saying “If it fits, I sits” is equally applicable to babies as it is to cats.
5. If a cat or child crawls into your lap and falls asleep there, you will never get up again. Busting to go to the loo? Forget it. Die from old age? Most definitely.
6. Hey, you know that spot you’re sitting in? Guess what? It’s totally not your spot. Your child or cat will demand to sit exactly where you’re sitting. Mostly because you’re currently sitting there. You know that spot you just moved to? Also not yours. Seriously, get up now.
7. Food. How hard is it to give them food! The fanciest most expensive and well prepared food will be lovingly placed in their plates/bowls. You’ve never even seen food that good let alone been able to eat it yourself, but only the very best for your child/fur baby. And they’ll turn their nose up at it and wander off without trying it. And then most likely eat any old garbage they find on the floor.
8. Food part 2. See that food on your plate? You think it’s yours? Guess again. Just like “Your spot”, it’s totally not yours. It’s theirs. And they will cry/meow at you for an hour until you give it to them. Seriously, just give them the food.
9. So you’ve been caught napping. Your cat or child will probably think you’re dead. The only way they know how to check you’re not dead is by sitting on your head. And even if you protest loudly about how you’re not dead, they’ll continue to check JUST to be sure.
10. You will talk to them like a crazy person. As in, you will have one sided conversations, convinced that they can either understand you or are talking back to you. You will most likely answer yourself AS your cat/baby. (Weird story, my childhood cat could say “Ham”. I’m not kidding. You’d ask her if she’d wanted some ham, and the meow sound she made in response actually sounded like she was saying ham. And she loved it. It was a special treat to give her some in her bowl. Now my son asks for ham all the time. He’ll sit in his high chair and say “ham ham ham” over and over again, then squeal with delight when he gets some. So he’s basically my cat)
11. They bring you presents you really don’t want. Like half dead lizards. And no, I’m not making a distinction between the cats and children deliberately there.
12. There’s always the smell of that one poop somewhere in the house that you’ve missed. And it drives you mad.
13. It’s really hilarious to dress them up in funny costumes or hats, then take pictures and post them to Instagram. The internet goes nuts for that kind of stuff.
14. Your smart phone is filled with pictures of them. And you’ll want to show strangers these pictures at every chance you get. To put this into perspective, my best friend has two cats, and has just as many photos of them on her phone as I have on mine of Stormy. Though Stormy is almost two, and my friend has only had her cats for about 9 months…
15. They can tell if you hate them. You are now a magnet for them. They will seek you out and rub themselves all over you and your nice clean clothes. Sorry about that (not sorry).
16. They’re the reason why you can’t have nice things. They will seek out your precious and precariously placed items and push them onto the floor. Usually with much joy.
17. You can’t tell them what to do. Cats usually won’t listen to you out of disdain. Toddlers, usually because they simply don’t want to.
18. Everything that is unholy is projected from their mouths. And you have to clean it up. Usually in front of company.
19. They will do incredibly amazing and clever things. And will NEVER perform them on demand when you attempt to show someone else. They do this deliberately to make you look like a crazy person.
20. They do not want you to shower them with love. Have you ever tried hugging a cat or a toddler when they don’t want to be hugged? It’s like trying to hold onto…well a cat or a toddler that doesn’t want to be held onto. They suddenly become all limbs. They will only want your love when THEY demand it of you.
21. NEVER try to bathe them.
22. And finally, they are secretly plotting to murder you and achieve world domination….ok, that one is probably just cats.